Kingdom Hearts Transcript (Episode 5)

Hook: Aww damnit! Why does Oogie have to have such a good pokerface?

Hades: He barely even has a face.

Jafar: Why are we talking about pokerfaces? We're in the dark.

Hades: What I want to know is why we spent our munny on a hologram when we only ever use it twice.

Ursula: Why don't we turn him into a heartless? That will solve things quick enough.

Hook: Yeah that's a great idea yargh and such.

Oogie: Just change it to hearts.

Hades: Damnit Oogie we're playing Texas Hold 'Em.

Oogie: Oh go fish.

Hook: Gimme my cards back you b******. Yargh.

Malificent: We could turn him into a heartless and end this matter once and for all. But I'd rather have my idea.

Ursula: Why? What's your idea?

Malificent: We're going to travel across the universe and repeat our actions over and over and over and that hope he gets bored and stops playing.

Oogie: It's genius.

Hook: Who invited Oogie anyway?

(Opening sequence)

(Sora, Donald and Goofy falling)

Sora: So is anybody going to question this?

Goofy: I dunno. We were in the gummi ship two seconds ago and now this.

Donald: Yeah I remember you talking about something to do with a keyhole on your hand and now we're falling.

Sora: Nice living room. (Lands)

Goofy: (Lands on his stomach) Oh crap does anyone else have that dream where you're falling?

White Rabbit: (Running past) I'm late! I'm late! I'm late!

Sora: Did that rabbit just have a pocket watch the size of its body?

Goofy: What are you late for?

White Rabbit: I need to buy one of those rocks!

Sora: Go little rabbit! Go! Go! Go! (Slap) Oww damnit...Where are we?

Donald: How did he get so tiny?

Sora: No little rabbit! I want to make stew!

Doorknob: No stew for you, you're simply too fat.

Sora: Way to go Goofy.

Donald: Yeah now we don't get stew.

Doorknob: (Yawn) Shut up fat ass! I'm trying to sleep. Can't a doorknob get any shut eye around here?

Sora: That makes perfect sense.

Goofy: I think it makes sense.

Doorknob: Why is it not surprising?

Sora: What the crap? Don't fall asleep. I want my rabbit stew damnit! I'm hungry.

Doorknob: Why don't you try the bottle? That sh*t is so good.

Sora: Well I've never been one to stop at peer pressure.

Donald: Wow colours are so significant now.

Goofy: Oh I know this drink.

Sora: Anyone else feel like getting naked?

Goofy: Aah!

Donald: Aaaaaaaah!!!

Narrator: Welcome back to CSI Wonderland where the Queen is always right or you'll lose your head!

Sora: Why do I always wake up in a courtyard?

White Rabbit: (Playing trumpet)

Queen: Will you shut up?!

Donald: That's one bad tempered old b****.

Queen: Who said that?!!

Donald: It was him! (Points to Goofy)

Goofy: Huh?

Sora: Why is there a Barbie girl on trial?

Queen: So Barbie you've been accused of defying me, the Queen of Hearts.

Sora: That's so beautiful.

Queen: So rip out your heart so I may dine on it.

Sora: That's slightly less beautiful.

Sora, Donald and Goofy: (Running in slow motion) Nooooooooooooooo!

Queen: What the (bleep) are they doing?

Goofy: (Slow motion) We're trying to expand the episode.

Donald: While looking dramatic.

Queen: Well knock it off!

Alice: (Gasp)

Queen: Shut up! Barbies don't talk.

Donald: Yeah b****!

Queen: Shut up! Ducks don't talk either.

Goofy: I'll shut you up Donald.

Donald: You can hardly talk. No one knows what you're supposed to be anyway.

Queen: The trial of Goofy's origin is now in session.

Alice: Im still here.

Sora: Shut up Barbie! Goofy's origin is a mystery to all, your majesty. As a mystery I hope it's going to be solved today.

Goofy: Should I be offended by this?

Sora: Yes goofy, you should be offended and you should be offended because those gad damn lazy animators allowed your mother to give birth to you and that's why you were tarred and feathered when you were a baby.

Donald: I don't think the drugs have worn off yet.

Queen: So you're saying this is all Goofy's fault?

Sora: That's exactly what I'm saying your majesty. I suggest you execute him immediatly.

Donald: I conquer.

Queen: Court is ajured. Put Barbie back in her original packaging so we can all go home.

Alice: Bye.

Goofy: For the love of God Barbie! Just shut the hell up!

Sora: Calm the hell down.

Goofy: Raargh! (Punch)

Queen: Get out of my court before I eat all of your hearts!

(Sora, Donald and Goofy are in the forest as they see the Chesire Cat's floating head)

Sora: Oh...my...GOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!

Donald: Run! Run!

(Back at courtyard)

Sora: Can we stay here for a while?

Queen: They're back! Rape them!

Sora: No means no! I have the right to defend myself as a ten year old girl!

Goofy: Erm Sora?

Queen: That was (bleep) up.

Goofy: Look Barbies doing something.

Sora: Who the hell cares? (Looks in the cage to find Alice missing) Look! She's gone! NOOOO! Barbie! NOOO! (Slap)

(Intermission)

Sora: God damnit!!

Narrator: Good news children! Go to your local flower today and you'll find the rock comes in jumbo size. Get them before all the f*cked up cats do. Buy now and get a free table. Mad hatter and deranged bunny not included. DS!

(Back in bizarre room)

Sora: What the hell? Where am I? Last thing I remember was trying to rape goofy.

Doorknob: Wow you guys have been out for a very long time. So what did you think of the drugs?

Sora: Yeah the drugs are pretty good. (Doorknob yawns with the keyhole in his mouth) Err listen you got a keyhole problem there. (Points keyblade at keyhole) Don't worry I'll just get the keyhole out. I won't be a second.

Doorknob: Aaaaaaaah!

Sora: Hold still!

Donald: Holy crap! I think you killed him!

Sora: Ahh well at least we know this definately isn't a dream.

(Sora, Donald and Goofy falling again)

Sora: God damnit!!

Goofy: Anyone else have that dream where they're falling, then they hit the ground and see a rabbit with a pocket watch the size of its body, chase it, then we take some drugs, wake up in a courtyard with a Barbie doll and a queen who likes to eat vital organs, (deep breath) see a strange cat, get raped by cards, watch a strange rock commercial and kill the keyhole?

Sora: Actually yes!!

White rabbit: I'm late! I'm late! Im late!

Sora: Did that rabbit have a pocket wach the size of its body?

(Ending sequence)

(Scene with Alice singing Barbie Girl with Riku as Ken)