Kingdom Hearts Transcript (Episode 3)

Sora: (Drawing in the cave) Wow this rock was so worth it. Only $49.95. Silly Kairi and Riku are at home playing their Nintendo des...d...portables. Heh heh stupid idiots.

Ansem: Hello little boy.

Sora: Holy crap it's death!

Ansem: What? I'm not death. That offends me. I hope someone hits you later. I'm just your average stranger in a dark cloak asking where the bathroom is. You see there are no bathrooms in the jungle and I was kicked out of Atlantis and the less about the mad hatter's tea party the better. Now please point me towards the nearest bathroom.

Sora: Dude yep the nearest bathroom is right there to my right. It's right there.

Ansem: No it isn't. It's not there. There's nothing there. There's just a rock with poorly drawn faces on it. The boy is good but the girl is like what the hell?

Sora: Dude the bathroom is right there...wait what did you say about my drawings?

Ansem: Look boy stop lying to me or I shall summon an army of heartless and darkness to destroy this world and every others in the known universe.

Sora: Dude right there bathroom BATHROOM! You're starting to p*ss me off.

Ansem: You're starting to p*ss me off little boy. Now for the last time tell me where the bathroom is or I shall kidnap your best friend as well.

Sora: Dude I keep telling you the bathroom is right here, I'll show you. Look...that door right there...bathroom...I built it myself. BATHROOM! And...and you're gone. Wow death is a lot meaner than I thought.

(Opening Sequence)

(Donald walking through castle hallway)

Donald: (At large door) Awesome. Hello? Favourite duck coming through. (Door opens) What a waste of munny. (Enters door) All that wood. Could have saved starving orphans but what the (bleep) do I care? (bleep) Holy (bleep)! Why does a mouse need all this space?! Holy (bleep)! No wonder the Disney orphanage wasn't built or school! The b****** isn't even there! What the (bleep)!! Oh my he doesn't even hire a messenger! His dog carries around his letters! (Reads letter) HOLY (bleep)!!!

Narrator: It was another peaceful day at the disney castle grounds.

Donald: (Runs through courtyard) Sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t! Goofy! Goofy! Sh*t! Wake up! Captain of the knights my ass! Goofy you retarded dog beast wake up damnit!

Goofy: (Dreaming) I don't want macaroni with my eggs and bacon.

Donald: God's sake always dreaming about food. Wake the (bleep) UUUUP! (Uses thunder on Goofy)

Goofy: Aaah!

Donald: Damnit serves you right.

Goofy: No it doesn't, I'm wearing metal armour! Idiot! What could possibly be this important?

Donald: Who the (bleep) cares about you?! There's something really important going on!

Goofy: Queen Minnie?

Donald: It's Donald Duck you idiot!

Goofy: Daisy?

Donald: DONALD (bleep) DUUUUCK!!

Goofy: Erm they're over there.

Donald: (Turns round to see Minnie and Daisy) Over...there?

Minnie: There are eight year old playing this game.

Donald: Fudge!

Goofy: Thank God we skipped the long, boring and unnecessary letter.

Minnie: (Squeaks)

Goofy: Oh thank goodness for subtitles.

Donalds: Well she is a mouse afterall Goofy.

Minnie: Oh I'm sorry there I had something stuck in my throat. We hope you have a safe journey.

Donald: And of course by safe you mean...

Daisy: Correct. You'll be fighting for your life in many dangerous and complicated worlds.

Minnie: Don't worry because he'll be there to help you. He's right here. (points to table)

Donald: Uh your majesty there's no one there. (Sees Jiminy jumping on the table)Oh there he is.

Jiminy: Over here! Hi I will be helping you along the way in any way I can.

(Everyone laughs)

Donald: That's so cute.

Goofy: That's adorable.

Minnie: Good luck to both of you.

Daisy: Good luck.

Goofy: Good luck.

Donald: (Drags Goofy away) Lazy b******!

(Walking down stairs)

Donald: Aww damnit! Why all the stairs? So many stairs. Oh God! Jiminy Cricket what the hell can you do anyway? I mean how are you going to help us?

Jiminy: Well I'm gonna be writing in my journal and keep a recording of everything we're doing as we go.

Donald: What the hell use is that? I mean Goofy may have the memory of a decomposing mouse, no offense King Mickey. But I can remember stuff just fine.

Goofy: Yes and so can I. I can even remember what we're talking about. I like toast too.

Donald: God damnit King Mickey. The point is that both of us can remember things just fine i.e. you are completly useless.

Jiminy: Ha ha just wait until we get to Castle Oblivion.

Donald: What?

Sora: (In his bedroom) You know most mothers ground their kids, mine just takes away my duvet and pajamas. I wonder why our ship doesn't look as cool as that (looks up at model ship on ceiling).

Riku flashback: Hey Sora want to share a Paopu fruit?

Sora: Ha ha ha Riku homosexuality nostalgia. That's classic comedy right there. Holy crap a storm?! Oh damnit! Whoever thought a desert island can have a storm? Damnit I told Riku we should've put the raft in my shoe. Damnit Riku!

Sora's Mother: Sora come on down. Sora? Damnit Sora! I only have one line in this whole game don't waste it!

Sora: (On the island) Well that has to defy every law of physics. Huh? Riku and Kairi are here? Damnit I thought I was the only one dumb enough to ride into a storm. (Shadows appear) Huh? No NO THE SQUIRRELS ARE HERE!!! Riku! Riku! There Riku help me! The squirels are attacking me just like in my dreams.

Riku: The door is opened.

Sora: Damnit Riku! This is no time to be serious.

Riku: It doesn't matter. We have more important matters at hand. Like how the hell we managed to get robots out here. Riddle me that spiky!

Sora: What the crap? You're spiky haired too!

Riku: Oh but I have grey hair that makes the spikes oh so much cooler.

Sora: There is the Riku I know. Good old not serious.

Riku: So anyway, wanna jump into this black hole?

Sora: SURE!

Riku: Damnit! You're supposed to go get Kairi first. But before that...(puts hand out) nostalgia.

Sora: Riku? You really wanna hold my hand? (Darkness surrounds them) Wait darkness no! I'm the one who's supposed to hold Riku's hand! Now you're hugging him. Get away from my friend! Aaaah no darkness! I'm not in love with you! I'm in love with Ri...Kairi that's the one. Damnit must hold hand. Must complete psychic vision. Damnit! Squirrels...darkness...bunnies...weapon store. (Bright light appears) A bright light? How the hell did I get to heaven? Aah damnit! What? (Holding keybalde) Well at least I have my sword this ti..giant key and erm keyblade. Original.

Voices: Keyblade...keyblade.

Sora: Damnit voices! I get it! (Enters cave) Huh? Kairi!

Kairi: Sora

Sora: Damnit Kairi's stoned again! Maybe she's a zombie. Kairi I'll save you! (Kairi enters Sora's heart) Damnit! God! (Falls) That makes perfect seeeeeeeense! (Lands) How long was I back there? Several million years? I leave the island for three minutes and already it goes to hell. (Darkside appears) What!? I thought I saw you in my dream.

Darkside: I thought I saw you in my dream!

Sora: That makes perfect sense!

Darkside: There I was lying on the beach and then Kairi came and woke me up and it was such a nice dream except you were there and then I was falling into darkness even though I am darkness.

Sora: Damnit! Time for my big goodbye damnit! Aaaaaaaaaah! (Gets sucked into darkness) I wonder what my dinner was like.