Kingdom Hearts Transcript (Episode 2)

Sora: Oh God my head. What did I do last night? I'm pretty sure I fell asleep in my bed. Oh well this is a good opportunity to get some shut eye on the beach.

(Kairi looks down at him)

Sora: (Bleep) Kairi! What the (bleep) is wrong with you?!

Kairi: Heehee I'm sorry, it's really fun to watch you sleep.

Sora: Errm okay forget that. Listen Kairi you really should've seen me in this massive mancave but it was great. They had these great weapons like this shield with a Mickey Mouse head and then this giant shadow attacked me and...ow ow what the crap? What did you just hit me with?

Kairi: Are you still dreaming?

Sora: I'm not dreaming. You're still fully dressed...sort of.

Kairi: Oh you're one to talk about fashion sense. What are your feet jewel encrusted or something?

Sora: Where do you think I keep my wooden sword?

(Opening sequence)

Riku: Oh hey Sora and erm...erm...okay judging by the hair I'm just gonna call you Yuna from now on.

Sora: Hey Riku...(Riku throws log at Sora) wait whoa whoa what the f*ck you're so going to hell!

Riku: (Walks up to Kairi) So totally worth it. Now p*ss off no one likes you.

Kairi: You guys love me really.

Riku: Aww did you hear that Sora? She thinks we love her. Silly Yuna.

Sora: What the hell? We ditch you in mid-sentence all the time.

Kairi: Oh come on, you guys don't really do that...

Sora: (Starts running with Riku) RUUUUUUUUUUUUN!

Riku: Oh God!

Sora: Come on faster!

Riku: Hey this is a pretty good idea Sora.

Sora: Yeah this has gotta be the tenth time she's fallen for this.

Kairi: Well this has gotta be the tenth time I've fallen for this.

Sora: Wait what the hell? She's catching up. What the crap?

Riku: How did she do that? Her legs are shorter.

Sora: Run! For the love of God run!

(Kingdom Hearts logo)

Riku: Hey that's a funny looking cloud.

Sora: Yeah such nice font. (Gets slapped) AAAH!!

(Destiny Island logo)

Sora: Destiny Islands? That's funny way to spell The Save. (Gets slapped) AAH! What the crap! I'm on my own!

(Sora, Riku and Kairi sitting on palm tree)

Sora: So what's the plan? We're just gonna find Kairi's home town and ditch her there? What's happening?

Riku: Erm well you know it could be a jungle or a desert or freakin wonderland for all I care.

Sora: Well come on Riku. What are the odds we're gonna run into any of these places?

Riku: Yeah you're probably right. It's almost like running into Disney characters.

Kairi: Heh heh yeah Disney characters. Ah that would be...wait what was that about ditching me?

Riku: Err...erm nothing Yuna. This is man talk. Now go back to sleep. Hey Sora, have you noticed how our island looks a lot like The Save from Final Fantasy X? I mean A LOT like The Save from Final Fantasy X?

Sora: Oh come on Riku. First Disney then Final Fantasy? Who would try to cross those two? They're not even kind of alike.

Kairi: Yeah imagine Cloud and Hades working together.

(Everyone laughs)

Sora: Wait why would Cloud and Hades work together? (Slap) Oww Damnit!

Riku: Hey shouldn't we notify our parents that we're leaving? Because I'm pretty sure that they're gonna miss us.

Sora: Nah mine have been trying to get rid of me for weeks.

Riku: Then it's settled. Tomorrow we will set out for new and exciting worlds or you know die on the ocean considering all we're bringing is a fish, a coconut and an egg. But both of them sound exciting.

Kairi: In case I don't get the chance to say this Riku, I love you.

Riku: Oh Kaina when did you get here?

Sora: Yeah Yuri when did you get here? We didn't even notice when you sat down. Wait a minute, you're sitting on my log. Heh heh heh silly Kaina girls aren't allowed on my log. (Slap) Oww damnit why?!

Riku: Oh Sora wait a minute.

Sora: What? You're gonna hit me again...(Riku tosses paopu fruit to Sora) wait what crap is this?

Riku: You wanted one of those didn't you? Well here you go.

Sora: Sure I wanted one but not from you.

Riku: If two people will share one, their destinies will become intertwined.

Sora: Not listening.

Riku: No matter what, they'll be a part of each other's lives.

Sora: Erm thanks but I was saving for wedding night and...(tosses paopu fruit) Hey Riku you were talking about Kairi right?

Riku: Erm...sure lets go with that.

Sora: You scare me Riku. You really really scare me.

(Intermission)

Narrator: Hey kids remember the good old days when your parents let you stroll out to the nearest cave and draw whatever the (bleep) you want on the walls? Who misses that? All you seem to find now is a Nintendo DS. What's a DS you might say. Well we've been paid thousands to mention it in our commercial. DS. Now then, now that that's out of the way, do you remember what you used to draw with? Rocks! And who can find rocks anymore?

Sora: I can't.

Narrator: And who can tell you where you can find rocks? I can that's what. With just four easy payments of $49.95 per second. Buy now and get a free bucket of sand. Bucket not included. Buy now! Buy now! Buy now! Damnit! Dark cave and happy memories not included. DS!

Kairi: (Sitting on harbour with Sora) You know I'm getting kind of worried about Riku.

Sora: How come?

Kairi: Well why does he think this is going to work? I mean seriously all he did was tear up some logs, selotape them together and for Christ's sake he's using his t-shirt as a sail.

Sora: Yeah...wait Riku wears a t-shirt? What the hell? I always though he wore that weird yellow tank top outfit thing. Is that a shirt or a tank top? What the hell's a tank top anymore?

Kairi: Sora.

Sora: Yeah?

Kairi: But seriously I'm getting really worried, why does he think a raft is gonna work in space?

Sora: Space?

Kairi: I keep thinking that some point he's gonna kidnap me and make me the mermaid on the front.

Sora: Don't be silly Kaina, you have to be hot to be a mermaid. You're not hot you're just Kaina.

Kairi: Oh thank you Sora. I feel better now.

Sora: It's what I do, it's why I'm here ectcetara.

Kairi: Now I just think that if I stand up, look out into the sunset with you the only other character here and say some random crap that someone will think I'm important.

Sora: What the hell are you talking about?

Kairi: I have no idea just like Riku.

Sora: You know I've actually been thinking of buying one of those rocks. (Slap sound followed by a splash)

Kairi: God damn retard.

(Ending credits)