Kingdom Hearts Transcript (Episode 6)

(Olympus Coliseum Logo)

Donald: Damnit! I can't believe we had to go through Wonderland seven and a half times.

Queen: They're back! Rape them!

Sora: Screw it! We're leaving.

Goofy: Remember when they actually suceeded?

Sora: Look! The statues are fighting! Go lefty go! (Two slaps followed by a punch)

(Opening sequence)

Sora: What the hell are you doing?

Phil: One minute kid, I'm just trying to feel up this sign. If you need something to do, just feel up that rock over there.

Sora: Erm...

Phil: That will do, you like that doncha?

Sora: Why the hell would I want to feel up a freaking rock?

Phil: Well why don't you tell me this, why in the hell are you suddenly...(turns around) Kid, where did you get your hair gel?

Sora: Ebay.

Phil: Sorry kid, I thought you were a thirty year old guy.

Sora: That makes perfect sense.

Phil: Rule number six, if your hair looks better than mine I hate you.

Sora: That's not really fair.

Phil: Rule number four, if you're a duck, I'm going to eat you.

Sora: That's not fair, I challenge you to a staring contest.

Phil: You can't beat me at a staring contest. I haven't blinked this entire cutscene.

Sora: Damnit!

Phil: Ahh screw it the duck doesn't look that delicious anyway.

Donald: I'll have you know my mom said I look finger licking good!

Sora: That's disturbing.

Goofy: Random massage time! (Massages Sora's shoulders)

Sora: Donald what the hell is he doing?

Donald: Anyway we want to enter the tournament.

Sora: Donald he's still touching me.

Phil: Enter the tournament? But he's a runt. (Laughs)

Sora: Hey! I'm taller and thinner than you! Don't call me a runt!

Phil: Ahh now get outta here. It's time for my alone time with rocky. (Feels up rock)

Sora: Oh dear God!

Phil: Oohh that's it!

Sora: What the hell is happening?

Phil: Oh yes that is it! Aahh now I need a break. Was it good for you?

Sora: Is it okay to ask you to never do that again?... Damn! Goofy's massages really work.

Phil: Will you give me one?

Sora: God no!

Phil: How can you enter the tournament? There's only two of you.

Sora: That makes no sense!

(Outside the coliseum)

Sora: Damnit! That has to be the third time I've been called a runt by a fat midget.

Hades: Oh come on children. Where's your Christmas spirit?

Donald: Who the hell are you?

Hades: Can't you tell? I'm Santa Claus. What with my flaming head, blue skin and dark robes and a skull. Are you having a merry Christmas little boy? (Puts his hand on Sora's shoulder)

Sora: Why do people keep touching me?

Hades: Here's a Christmas card.

Sora: I didn't even know it was Christmas.

Hades: Can't you tell with all the bright lights, decorations and...sand?

Phil: Ah screw it! We'll let him in the tournament.

Sora: Really?

Phil: Yeah why not?

Sora: Yay!

Cloud: So kid I guess I'll be seeing you in the tournament huh.

Sora: Tournament? Err yeah tournament.

(Scene of Cloud beating Sephiroth)

(Vs.)

(Scene of Riku throwing log at Sora)

Sora: Err...erm...I think I'll pass.

(Final Fantasy fanfare)

Hades: What the hell are they celebrating for? They've done nothing this entire episode.

Cloud: Your hair is on fire and I wanna touch it.

Hades: That kid has lost his Christmas spirit. So that's why it's your job to help regain his Christmas cheer.

Cloud: Who the hell do you think I am?

Hades: Gee why are you so depressed all the time?

Cloud: This is me happy. If you excuse me, I have to go to the weapon store and pick up my buster sword.

Hades: Oh God I probably should have told them to stay away from the goat. At least I still have Rudolph in case anything goes wrong. Isn't that right poochy?

Cerberus: (Roar)

Cloud: Worst weapon store ever!

Sora: Ha ha I beat you!

Cloud: Of course you beat me, my buster sword is wrapped in TAPE!!! Wait my Cloud senses are tingling. (Cerberus appears) Aah RUDOLPH!!

Donald: That's Rudolph?!

Goofy: Its cousin Rudy! Hey cousin Rudy!

Hades: Well plastic surgery can do marvels these days.

Sora: Its related to Goofy? Someone kill it quick!

(Hercules appears)

Donald: Who the hell is that?

Hercules: Im Herc for some reason.

Sora: Is he groping Rudolph?

Hercules: Get outta here! I'll take care of it.

Sora: Is anyone gonna question what he means by that?

Hercules: (Groping Cloud) Back off! I need to get home and heal him...Yeah heal him and junk but don't worry baby, I'll come back for you later.

Sora: Ha! I will kick your ass and...why is my keyblade made of sticks?

Cloud: Damn weapon store.

Goofy: Cousin Rudy! This isn't like you!

Hercules: I'll take Cloud home and heal him. Phil come and help.

Phil: We'll be back in two.

Cerberus: (Gets knocked out)

Donald: What the hell happened?

Sora: I think he saw Hercules run off with Cloud and all three heads bit their tongues at once.

Goofy: Cousin Rudy?

Phil: Ok for your first prize for winning the tournament, you get to hear me sing.

Sora: Are you gonna hump a boulder again?

Phil: We wish you a merry Christmas! We wish you a merry...

Donald: SHUT THE HELL UP!!

Phil: Ok fine we'll set Cloud free.

Hercules: What?!

Sora: Ok we're going to leave very quickly. Don't follow us and Goofy walk in front of me. Just one question though, why do you have like four thousand rules when the rule board is only like a metre wide?...Okay if we ever come back here, you'll know we've lost our minds.

Hercules: (Whispering to Phil) So do you wanna come back to my place later?

(Outside)

Sora: Hey are you okay?

Cloud: Oh God its just you. Thank God, I thought it was him coming back for more.

Sora: What the hell did he do to you?

Cloud: He made me do things. Awful things. I just don't wanna get into it right now. It doesn't matter now, this place won't exist much longer anyway. I have to go help Hades now.

Sora: You know I totally saw that coming.

Cloud: Has Hercules gotten to you yet?

Sora: What do you mean by "yet"?

Cloud: It doesn't matter. Just promise me one thing. If he ever gets to you, make him wear this.

Sora: Ok now I'm really scared...erm Cloud...Cloud? Don't leave me! Cloud? Cloud!

Cloud: You'll be fine, they'll all be fine. Once he's dead.

Sora: What a nice man. Now let us walk away from this hellhole forever.

Hades: They killed Christmas! They killed CHRISTMAS!! That does it! Screw it! Screw elves! Screw children! Screw presents! Screw Christmas! Its dead! Dead to me now! I'll kill all of them!

(Ending sequence)

Sora: We wish you...

Goofy: ...a merry...

Donald: ...Christmas.

Leon: We wish you...

Yuffie: ...a merry...

Cloud: ...Christmas.

Kairi: We wish you...

Riku: ...a merry...

Ansem: ...Christmas...Now where's the bathroom?

Sora: And a happy new...

Hades: AARRRRGH!!!

Alice: (Gasp)