Kingdom Hearts Transcript (Episode 9)

Sora: So is there like any civilization on this world whatsoever?

Goofy: Hey look at all the sand! Is it Christmas again?

Sora: Shut up Goofy! (Magic carpet flies up to them) Ah wait here we are okay. Taxi taxi!

Donald: I call shotgun!

Sora: Screw you Donald! I'm the keyblade master!

(Aladdin sinking in sand)

Goofy: Hey look someone's in trouble. Yeah I would help you right now but I'm just so comfortable.

Narrator: COME TO THE DESERT COLOSSUS MATTRESS SALE TODAY!!!

Sora: Wait no, the fat b****** was just faking it.

Aladdin: Genie for my first wish, get rid of these several heartless.

(Genie comes out of lamp)

Genie: Wish number one coming right up! (Heartless disappear)

Donald: Awesome!

(Opening sequence)

Goofy: So what was all that wish thingy about then?

Genie: Please kid, leave the intros to a professional. The one and only Genie of the Lamp! Rub-a-dub-dub the lamp and have your dearest wishes granted. Today's winner is...Aladdin! Congratulations!

Donald: Please stop moving.

Genie: Patience my fine feathered friend! Any three wishes! A one wish, a two wish, a three wish. Then I make a banana and split! Our lucky winner made his first wish and let me tell you, what a doozy that wish was, so he has two left. So master, what'll you have for Wish Number Two?

Aladdin: Well I...

Sora: No no no no, hold on a second here. So you can wish for virtually anything you want and you used them to get rid of a couple of heartless as opposed to...lets just say...ALL OF THEM?!!

Aladdin: Well...

Sora: No no no no no! Go ahead Aladdin, tell us what that second wish of yours is going to be.

Aladdin: How about I use my second wish to become a really rich prince?

Goofy: Wow he's stupider then me.

Sora: Don't be stupid Goofy! The reason you're stupid is because you're wasting your wishes on useless things.

Aladdin: How is being rich useless?

Sora: Dude we're in the middle of a universe wide crisis and you wish for munny. NO ONE is that selfish!

(On the magic carpet)

Goofy: Lets go back to Agrabah to save the princess.

Sora: Why would we save a princess?

Goofy: It's a Disney movie, that's the idea.

Sora: Every Disney movie doesn't have to have a princess rescued Goofy. Don't be an idiot.

(Later in Agrabah...)

Jafar: Back off boy. The princess is mine.

Jasmine: Aladdin rescue me.

Sora: I f****** hate you Goofy!

Aladdin: Genie second wish, save Jasmine.

Sora: Are you freakin kidding me?

Aladdin: We'll be all powerful just as long as we have the...oh s***!

Sora: How did the bird get it?

Aladdin: Well I thought I'd store my bird seed in there.

Sora: Aah aaah AAAAAH!!

Jafar: Well thanks to you, I now have everything I need to take over the planet. Cheery bye. (Disappears)

Sora: Aladdin a word?...Aladdin why didn't you just wish for Jafar's death?

Aladdin: Well I thought that...

(Jafar's evil laugh)

Aladdin: Ah crap!

Sora: You SUCK!!!

(On the magic carpet)

Sora: Within twenty seconds, you lost the princess, gave Jafar the ultimate power in the universe and then lost him...WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Aladdin: I don't know.

(In the Cave of Wonders)

Jafar: Despite no evidence whatsoever and nothing to go by, I believe the keyhole is in this room. Judges?

Genie: (Snaps fingers to locate keyhole)

Jafar: Booyah! Props to the J-man! (Malificent appears) What the hell are you here for?

Malificent: I'm the main villain. I have to play a part in everything.

Jafar: Well you really really don't, I mean what happened to the Barbie doll we distracted you with?

Malificent: I got bored and bit its head clean off.

Jafar: Dear God that was a person!... Wait what the hell?

Sora: So the blind guy said to the guy...wait you can't be Malificent?

Malificent: Eww boys gross! (Disappears)

Aladdin: Jafar, let Jasmine go!

Jafar: Why?

Aladdin: Because...I love her.

Jafar: Well in that case, NO! You see we need her to open the final door.

Goofy: Open...

Donald: ...the door?

Jafar: Yeah that was the gist of what I just said...are you idiots?

Goofy: Are you...

Donald: ...idiots?

Sora: Just ignore them, they're dumb animals.

Jafar: I don't have time for this. Genie, destroy all my enemies.

Sora: You see, he's good at this.

Aladdin: Genie please don't do this!

Genie: Sorry Al. The one with the lamp calls the shots. I don't have a choice.

Donald: Don't worry Al, I bet if he did have the choice, he'd probably do it anyway.

Goofy: I know I would.

Jafar: Genie for my third wish, I want you to make me an all powerful, giant genie god of destruction and death.

Sora: I love him.

Genie: (Turns Jafar into a genie)

Sora: Okay Aladdin, now that is how you use phenomenal cosmic powers. Okay so we will split up into two teams. Team A, that's you Aladdin will fight erm...that giant genie god of destruction and death.

Aladdin: Err hold on just a minute...

Sora: Team B, That is the rest of us will chase after erm...err...that bird. Everyone okay on that?

Aladdin: Oh that doesn't sound really fair at all.

Sora: Don't worry...erm look, it's a dangerous bird, look at the colours...it's poisonous. Okay go! (Hitting Iago) Die bird! Die!

Narrator: Meanwhile in Team A.

Aladdin: IT BURNS!!!

Sora: Well this is hopless, there's only one thing left to do. (Hold up lamp) How much do you think this is worth on eBay?

Jafar: NOOO! TINY WALLETS! MY ONE WEAKNESS!! NOOOOOOOOOO!! (Gets sucked into lamp)

Sora: So about ten bucks? Now to bring peace to this totally uninhabited planet. I will seal the keyhole. (Seals keyhole) So now the keyhole is sealed, peace and people will return to this planet and once again become a thriving utopia.

Goofy: Nope.

Sora: What do you mean nope?

Goofy: No as in it's not going to do that. All that's going to happen is the heartless is still going to be here and people will come back but Jafar will kill them all, he was a bit of a douche.

Sora: So everything we've done here has just been for nothing?

Goofy: Yep.

Sora: Ah I suddenly have the urge to kill everyone!

Genie: Earth to Al. Hello? You still have one wish left. Look, just say the word. Ask me to find Jasmine for you.

Sora: Or you could wish for all the heartless to be gone.

Goofy: Or you could bring back all the princesses.

Donald: Or you could wish for Malificent to be dead.

Sora: Or you could wish that Riku would come back to me naked and covered in chocolate.

Aladdin: I wish for your freedom Genie.

Sora, Donald, Goofy: What?!

Genie: Al!

Sora: Is he freaking serious?

(Gets set free)

Sora: Screw it! We're leaving.

Goofy: Hey Sora what were you going to suggest to Aladdin?

Sora: What? Killing all the heartless?

Goofy: No the second one.

Sora: What? Bring Riku back to me. Yeah what about it?

Goofy: No no, the second part of that.

Sora: What second part?

Goofy: Well you were just going to suggest that...you know, something about chocolate?

Sora: You know what? Go to Google Images, turn off the filter and type in Sora X Riku.

Goofy: Okay. (Types on keyboard)...and Enter...AAAAAAAAH!!! AAAAAAAH!!! AAAAAAH!!!

Donald: What? What? What is it? AAH AAH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

Goofy: Hey erm didn't Aladdin have a pet monkey when we met him?

Donald: Yeah I wonder what happened to it?

Sora: I'm sure it's fine.

???: Dunk the monkey!