Kingdom Hearts Transcript (Episode 10)

Malificent: So Riku, we're sending you on a mission. An evil mission of EVIL!

Riku: What do you want me to do? Burn down an entire civilization? Slaughter innocent surveillance? Wreak havoc and cause chaos?

Malificent: I want you to go inside a giant whale and kidnap a puppet.

(Cricket chirp)

Riku: What the hell was that?

Malificent: And as a reward for your loyalty, we have killed the one you call Kairi.

Riku: Finally!

Malificent: Well we tried. We slit her throat, she just bled for a while then got knocked out, then she got up and started giggling. I was so scared that I bit the head clean off one of my Barbie dolls.

Riku: Oh I've been there.

(Back when Sora and Riku were children...)

Narrator: FLASHBACK!

Riku: Sora what do you think we'll be like when we're older?

Sora: A couple?

Riku: What?

Sora: Best friends?

Riku: So anyway, you'll never guess what I saw yesterday.

Sora: What?

Riku: I saw a really ugly bird ripping apart a live fish.

Sora: So speaking of Kairi, is it just me or are you getting really sick of her?

Riku: Totally.

Sora: Wow we're eight years old and we're already sick of girls.

Riku: What?

Sora: Best friends!

Riku: Well uhh anyway, I'm thinking we could leave her in this cave.

Sora: Wow this is perfect Riku. How long do you think we should leave her in here for?

Riku: I think we should leave her in here until our voices break. (Voice starts to break)

Sora: Riku: What happened to your...AAAAAH...mine didn't change that much.

Riku: Aww damnit now I have to think of an entirely different plan.

Sora: Awwww. Hey Riku, you met that new girl who moved into town recently?

Riku: No not yet...wait isn't that Kairi?

Sora: Yeah...wait what?

Riku: This is a very poorly planned flashback.

Sora: Best friends?

Riku: Don't touch me.

(End of flashback)

Riku: Well that was a very random flashback.

Narrator: OPENING SEQUENCE!

(Opening sequence)

Sora: No...no...the next episode will be out when we're darn ready.

Goofy: Erm Sora? Why did you fly us in here?

Sora: I've always wanted to save the Zora princess.

Donald: You F***TARD!!!

Sora: Well we should get looking for that Zora sapphire. (item lands in front of him) AAAH!! Found it!

Goofy: (Sarcasm) Oh yes because that is such sapphire, that is the most spherical sapphire I mean what a sapphire.

Donald: Wow you must be a female dog beast because you're a b****!

Sora: Pardon me you but have you seen the Zora princess? Hey you don't look like a Zora.

Pinocchio: I thought you were Sora.

Donald: Oh it's just Pinocchio.

Goofy: How do you know that?

Donald: I watched the movie.

Jiminy: Pinocchio is that you?

Sora: What the hell is on my shoulder?

Jiminy: Come on everyone, after him, quick.

Sora: What the hell are you?

(Monstro logo)

(Slap)

Sora: Oww damnit! What was that for?

Goofy: I dunno, we haven't done it in a while.

Gepetto: Oh what is that you got there Pinocchio?

Pinocchio: With this, we can get outta here father.

Gepetto: But this is one gummi block. We need about another five hundred of these, a pilot, an energy source, an engine and a cockpit.

Pinocchio: Daddy I'm trying.

Gepetto: Not hard enough my boy.

Sora: I wonder if these guys can help us.

Gepetto: Ooo dinner. Welcome to my ship, would you like to see the kitchen?

Sora: Actually yes.

Gepetto: Oh where are my manners? I'm Gepetto and I'm Pinocchio's father.

Sora: Is he your biological son?

Gepetto: Yes I'm quite the tree humper.

Sora: Don't you mean hugger?

Gepetto: Sadly no. I'm such a good father to him. I only beat him whenever he's got stuff wrong, or when he THINKS he's got stuff wrong, or when I think he's got stuff wrong, or when neither of us think he's got stuff wrong, or even when I'm bored, and we're stuck in a whale, so that's quite a lot! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go cook this giant green potato.

Donald: I thought you were Italian.

Gepetto: Yes but the voice actors couldn't make up their minds. Yes it's quite peculiar and all, makes me want to beat Pinocchio up all day long.

Narrator: TEN MINUTES LATER!!!

Pinocchio: NO! I'm never going back!

Sora: Okay we killed him. No one's gonna beat you anymore.

Goofy: I might.

Sora: Okay Goofy might and we might join in. In fact, the three of us have plans for the rest of the afternoon.

Pinocchio: Sora wait, I found a pilot and a new father.

Riku: Well well well, what are you doing here?

Sora: Riku! My one true love!

Donald: I think I just found the Zora princess.

Sora: Hey shut up!

Riku: To the buttass mobile.

Pinocchio: Yes father.

Malificent: So did you bring me my puppet?

Riku: Erm yeah but for some reason, he thinks I'm his father.

Malificent: That's because you ARE his father. Dun Dun Duuuuuuuuuuun!

Riku: What the hell are you talking about?

Malificent: Sorry, there was a Star Wars marathon last night.

Riku: Wait what?

Malificent: But now that you given me what I want, I now see absolutely no reason for you to leave.

Riku: Wait, excuse me?

Malificent: Goodbye.

Riku: Get back here! You didn't even take the puppet!

Pinocchio: I did it! I'm finally free...(Gets stuck in Cage Parasite) Oh God damnit! I'm stuck in an ulcer!

(Intermission)

Narrator: Pain? Itching? Bloated? And you not just fat? You might have a stomach ulcer. A big happy stomach ulcer. You should take Sora, Donald and Goofy.

Donald: How does it WORK?!

Narrator: Well Sora, Donald and Goofy go in a little glass vial.

Sora: A little glass vial?

(Little glass vial song)

Narrator: And Sora, Donald and Goofy goes somewhere against your anatomy.

Goofy: And the gun goes off and sparks and you're ready for surgery?

Narrator: No, the ulcer's gone you reatard.

(We are SO sorry!!!)

Gepetto: Okay Mr. Riku, I will trade you my only son in exchange for getting me out of here.

Riku: Didn't Sora kill you?

Gepetto: Oh I don't die.

Sora: Heh just like Kairi. Remember Riku that day...

Riku: No! I don't remember! No more flashbacks! Ever! And why would I help you out? I already have him.

Gepetto: Oh bugger!

Riku: Well I'm off to the stomach now.

Sora: Why?

Riku: Hmm good point.

Sora: Wait!

Riku: What?

Sora: Wouldn't it be more hilarious to leave me to get beaten by the old man?

Gepetto: Hey! F*** you!

Riku: Okay bye Sora.

Sora: Bye.

Goofy: So will we go too?

Sora: What?

Goofy: Yeah our ship's fine, nothings been wrong with it the whole time.

(Cricket chirp)

Sora: Damnit Jiminy! Shut the hell up! (Slap) Oh s***!

Donald: WHAT?!

Sora: I think I killed him.

(Cricket chirp)

(Slap)

Narrator: ENDING SEQUENCE!!!

(Ending sequence)

Narrator: I'VE HAD TOO MUCH COFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...(out of breath)EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!